White Noise

   Sometimes, I have no idea where to start. My mind fills with so many racing thoughts. Somedays, I feel like no matter what conversation I'm having - I'm still thinking of cancer in some way. It is like a constant white noise being played over and over again. Someone can be telling me a story, and about half way through,  I realize that they are talking to me...ooops. I should probably tune in to what it is they are saying. Usually, at this point I just nod my head and say things like "yep", "Uhn Hun" ,"sure." I then recognize that I'm on auto pilot and need to be present with what is happening. I can't tell you how many times my mom has said to me "Well, you said you were going to do that today." Really?  I did? I have no recollection of agreeing to it or even having the conversation about it at all.
   I get to a point where my brain becomes mush. You can only hear so much crappy information for the day, before you brain is done, and doesn't except anymore to process. Sometimes, I notice that I'm not even thinking of anything at all. Or maybe, it is just that damn white noise that is always there, but I am so used to it - it really is like thinking of everything and nothing at all - all at the same time. Your brain reaches maximum capacity at a certain point, and that's when it is time for me to take a moment by myself and go off to my room to process what I can, in order to make room for the next days of noise and information.
   A perfect example of when I'm in this state of mind (mushy) was today at the hospital. I had an appointment with my nurse practioner, Suzie (who is a phenomenal woman, by the way) and she was talking about the results of my bone marrow biopsy- pretty serious stuff. I noticed how cute her scarf looked with her sweater, but all I could think about was that her beautiful scarf had a tag that was seriously sticking out, messing up the flow of her outfit. Luckly, I have a pair of mini scissors that I always keep in my purse. As Suzie is talking , I reach for my purse to grab my handy dandy, mini scissors and stop her from talking to fix this problem. I tell her what has been distracting me for the last few minutes. She starts laughing and I then take the opportunity to cut the tags off her scarf. Suzie's outfit finally flowed- which for some reason made me feel better.
   Now... I'm not sure if that event is a symbol of my subconscious saying "No!! I'm done for the day!" Or if it is just to keep things light-hearted during hard conversations. I'm sure it is probably a little bit of both. I know it may sound funny, but because I think so deeply everyday, all the time - it is kind of refreshing to talk about superficial, mindless things - which is why reality T.V can be useful sometimes. Usually reality T.V can piss me off because of the small stupid things that seem to shatter their superficial world. But sometimes, the very same thing can make me laugh, and make me feel better. It is fascinating to see these peoples lives and recognize the vast difference between their reality and my reality. It may sound odd, but there is a certain innocence with those people...ok maybe not with the drinking and swearing, but the naivety is still there when it comes to life and wisdom.
    Anyways, it's thoughts of WANTING to watch reality T.V or staring blankly at inappropriate things while people try to talk to me - that I know my cup is full, or rather my brain has reached it's mush point. It is then time to go seclude myself and process some of my white noise. I may not be able to get rid of the white noise completely, but I can definitely turn the volume way...down...and on the really, really good days, I can manage to put it on mute:)