Last night I started a new oral chemo. I did not think much of it - given it is something I've done many times over and is hardly "new" chemo. Infact, I've had this very same chemo before. It feels very normal to me to start chemo. I realize that I can not remember life before cancer. I was only 14 yrs old, when I was first diagnosed, and have had it ever since. I've had it throughout all the crucial growing up and finding out who you are stages of life. It reminds me of when a mother says that she can not remember life without her children or remember life before hand. And NO, I'm not comparing kids to cancer, but merely illustrating how life is forever changed and that YOU are forever changed to the point of not remembering what life was like. I don't neccessairly mean this in a negative way. We are meant to constantly grow and change. But I am so used to this way of life, that I can not imagine it any other way.
To most cancer patients, starting a new chemo or treatment of any kind is a big deal. But I have done it all - every possible treatment you can think of. I have gotten to the point where I am the one who designs my own treatment plan. I decide everything and the doctors usually agree with me...actually they always agree with me. I seemed to have aquired enough knowledge over the years to make up my own protocol. There is a strong sense of power and control with being able to do that. Although, when doctors stop giving you direction and recommendations because "there is no right or wrong answer", it is the scariest thing in the world. When a doctor doesn't really know what to do with you , it can be a pretty helpless feeling. But I began to realize that I know my body better than anyone else on this earth. I have ALWAYS been right about what is going on with me. So after the initial panic of having zero input from my doctor, I knew that I was the best doctor for my body anyways. I get to decide the "Western medicine" part of my protocol AND the alternative, "Eastern medicine" part of my protocol. Which, by the way, I would not have the more alternative options available to me if I only had western doctors to tell me what to do. I have the ability to pick and choose what I want and feel I need, for me to heal the best way that I know how.
Doctors do what scientifically has been shown to work- which is great for some, but obviously has not worked for me. Now, I have the choice to do what in my "gut" is the best decision without having to explain away why, I'm doing what I'm doing. I have the ability to be and do what a wish. With a disease that is so chaotic and uncontrollable, I have found my control. I have the control to treat my body and heal it as I please...Ahhh....who needs a doctor? :)
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