PAIN

   I'm feeling something that I have felt one thousand times before... Pain. The pain that no one else feels but me. A lonely pain. The cold, icy realization of tumor pain. I always know... I know before anyone else. It is an unmistakable pain. Every time it starts I tell myself "Just wait a few days, maybe you bumped it on something." But even saying that is a double edged sword because when I have that thought, I know I'm looking for a reason or excuse for the pain to be anything else then what I know it really is.
   I know my body so well, and I have never been wrong when it comes to my pain. It seems it's one of those situations where you desperately wish you could be wrong. It is the only time I wish I was oblivious. But deep down I have that nagging knowing...The knowing that no one else is aware of. Because I haven't said it yet. When I tell someone, it suddenly makes it real. The longer I keep the pain to myself, the longer it is no one else's to bare. Every tumor is a burden... and I have many burdens. The more I keep this secret pain to myself, the less my family will feel it- at least temporarily.
   When my life seems to be at a good constant- meaning I am not on radiation or treatment for a current painful tumor- I have a sense of brief peace. But when my break is over, it is the most heartbreaking, dreadful feeling to have that pain again. The very unmistakably specific pain. The pain of a cancerous tumor chewing away at my bones. I know, eventually I will have to tell my family and doctors( once again!!), but sometimes, I don't always feel sharing is caring... Meaning ,I hate to see the look on my moms face, my friends faces, my brother and sisters faces when I tell them of my new pain. Not only does it make it more real for me, but the sadness I see in so many faces gets overwhelming when you know you are the reason for their pain and sorrow. The second that I tell the first person- the pain spreads across my family aka my support system- much like the cancer in my body spreading from place to place, but instead from person to person.
   I think it is only natural that i want to control it somewhere in the chain of events that unfold each time I have THAT pain. Which is why I usually decide to keep it to myself for the first couple days, in order to somehow slow the metastatic pain/sadness cycle. Although, sometimes I wonder whether or not, it gets numbing to others hearing about it, because it is not like this is "new" or anything. I have taken notice to the fact that people will react the way I do. For example, if I tell someone about my new pain and I am crying my eyes out- they tend to not take it so well either. But if I tell them in a "nonchalant",or "as a matter of fact" kind of way they tend to react accordingly. So this is why I try to be very unemotional with certain people when I talk about my new pain- it seems to make others feel better and /or take it better for some reason.
   I struggle with wondering if it is even news anymore when a new pain pops up. I mean... I guess thats the idea of a progressive, malignant cancer. Hinted by the words "progressive" and "malignant." It continues to happen. With each tumor- one after the other- it was more and more devastating, crushing a little bit more of my hope each time. But it was as if I had reached a climax, and now because I've had more tumors than I can count- it is as simple as " Yep, that spots gonna have to be radiated." It gets to a point where you are no longer treating the cancer in terms of "This too shall pass" but rather learning to live with a disease that is not going to pass. It goes from "treating" the cancer to "managing" it. Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem managing my cancer- if it was actually somewhat manageable. I guess the bottom line is- even though I feel this way with little energy and all my reserves gone- I AM managing this disease and surviving it one day at a time.