I do not know what is right and what is wrong sometimes. I feel such anger. ..anger that I have to repeat myself time, after time, about my cancer. Every time I update someone about a tumor- they ask the same questions: What are they going to do? Whats going on? Whats happening? THE SAME THING THAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING FOR YEARS!!! It is a progressive disease... I feel anger that the most likely way I'm going to die is slowly suffocating to death. The doctors found at least three different areas of disease in my lungs. They always said that once Ewing's moves to the lungs its a whole new ball game. It moves quicker, and there is NOTHING to be done- so you wait...wait to suffocate...wait to die. I feel anger when those who are the closest to me fail to support me because of their "busy" lives...please, you don't know what busy is... But I always said that no matter what, I would not be that typical " laying on my death bed, sickly cancer patient" and I know that some how , some way- I will make that happen.
It is so overwhelming going back and fourth between what is "supposed" to happen with this disease based on what the doctors say and what I know I'm capable of, and all of the things I've managed to pull off thus far. I know I will be able to walk until the day I die..or at least couple days before I die...I'll leave room for the unknown. Having to talk to hospice is definitely a hard hit. I'm supposed to develop a relationship with them so I'm comfortable with them helping me die. Sure, thank you so much for helping me die...
I look at this from my brother and sisters perspective- how weird will it be to have strangers waking in and out of the house all the time. What will they think? Will they avoid being at home more? All the anxiety I feel coming along with all of this makes me feel like I can't breathe...or is that the cancer? Do you see what I mean? How do I find the balance with staying strong to live every second to the fullest and still take the time I need to grieve and be angry because I have a right to be? I don't want to waste what little time I have left with anger and sadness, but sometimes it is close to impossible to turn those emotions off. I feel like I have so much to say and do, but where do I start? How do you fit everything you want to do in life into...say....Two months? The answer is: you can't.
I guess I'm not so afraid of dying anymore, but rather how I'm going to die. How far will I fade or lose function? How bad will the pain be, both physically and emotionally? How bad will the torture be before I finally rest in peace... I still want to live and want to fight, but when it gets to the point where life no longer entails living, I want to be done and see what awaits on the other side. I know it may sound odd, but I have a feeling I'm going to be quite busy in the after life. I will have so many people to guide and watch over. Everyone tells me I'm such an old soul, I hope that is true, and that I learned my lesson in this life. Hopefully with an older soul, I'll be more familiar and some what more talented with communicating to my loved ones left behind- that is extremely important to me. I need to be able let those I love know I'm always there. I want them to always feel my presence, but in case they are blocked in some way, I came up with a couple major signs. One sign will be books randomly falling off the shelf, even though no one has touched them- oh and if they happen to fall open to a certain page- you might just want to read it;) or keys falling off the table. But my major sign will be purple flowers- especially orchids popping up in your yard or even just randomly coming across them in a way that you are compelled to notice. My favorite color is purple, it is supposed to be a very healing color for cancer...Maybe it invokes more positive thought, but I always feel good around the color purple. I always take significant displays of purple around me as a positive sign that I'm headed in the right direction and I have my own "guardians" watching over me.
I have been seeing a lot of purple and purple flowers lately, so although I can be angry and terrified sometimes deep down I know everything is going to be ok no matter what happens. All I ask for, is to keep seeing purple over the next couple months to keep being reassured that I'm not alone...
The color purple represents Royalty. You are a child of God. He is a King. Which makes you a royal child. You will have a place waiting for you in heaven. He says in the bible "I will go and prepare a mansion for you". He loves you that much that you are having a mansion prepared for you this very moment. He is our Father in heaven and we are His children. Megan you are so very special and He has given you this very soul, this old soul you speak of for a reason. You have truly touched many peoples lives and will continue to do so.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone Megan. Jesus is right there waiting for you to call out His name. He will hold you through all of this and give you a peace that is beyond your understanding. I have seen it happen before. I will not quit praying for you. You have touched my heart in a way no one else has ever done...
ReplyDeleteMegan,
ReplyDeleteGod loves you. He created you. However, sin keeps us separated from God. God does not force us to love him back, he gives us the freedom to choose. That is why God sent Jesus to die on the cross for us. Jesus died on the cross, rose from the grave, and paid the penalty for our sins. All we have to do is believe in Jesus, ask him to forgive us of our sins, and ask him to be Lord of our lives. Jesus bridges the gap that sin created. Accepting Jesus as our Lord is the ONLY way to Heaven.
I am praying for you. If you've never invited Jesus into your heart, I invite you to do so. You can simply say:
Dear Jesus, I KNOW I am a sinner. I know that you were sent by God to die on the cross, to save me from my sins. I ask you now to forgive me of the sins I have committed, and come into my heart. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. From this day forward, I will follow your will and serve you. AMEN.
If you say this prayer with not only words, but also your heart and believe that Jesus is Lord and has forgiven you of all your sins, you can be sure that when you die, you will be with Him in Heaven...a beautiful place with peace, joy, and love. The only alternative to heaven is hell...a place NO ONE wants to go. It is real.
Please ask Jesus to live in your heart! He is Wonderful! You will not regret it!!
Dear bluejaymom,
ReplyDeleteThe ignorance and inconsideration of your post is nauseating. To imply that someone facing the end of their life at so young of an age better hurry up and jump on your bandwagon of belief or otherwise they will burn in hell for eternity is nothing but childish, naive and above all, selfish.
Megan is not writing these blogs to be lectured or patronized by someone as ignorant as you. Please keep your insensitive preachings to yourself. If Megan wanted to hear or read this kind of thing, she could go to the evangelist church down the street or turn on the local access TV channel at 3 am.
Please spare us your naive ramblings and save it for those who share your narrow-minded ideals. Your post was rude, and Megan deserves an apology from you.
To those of you, unlike bluejaymom, who have been saying uplifting, positive and strengthening things, thank you.
bluejay mom is right and for those of you that are naive enough to believe otherwise is just foolish. what she said was right. if you don't accept Jesus as your savior you will burn in Hell for eternity.
ReplyDeletealso like blujaymom said there is a way out of this eternal punishment, accept Jesus as your lord and savior.
for those of you, that don't believe this, i would advise as a minister of the gospel of Christ that you don't wait until it is too late.
but for those who are too stubborn to listen go ahead and wait but i would hate to say "i told you so."
this is not to bash or get people upset but this is for those who are seeking the reassurance that you WILL go to heaven.
please, if you care at all for your soul Megan read and reconsider bluejaymom's post.
If you cared at all for Megan, you would have understood. You wouldn't have judged. If you found her page by doing some random search for "Jesus" and then came here to bash her or call her naive or tell her in her final days she was going to rot in hell, then shame on you for letting pride and righteous indignation overtake compassion and understanding.
ReplyDeleteMegan battled cancer nearly half her life, passing away shortly after her 21st birthday. She was, and is, a gorgeous light of hope despite the constant destruction of her bones and her life by cancer.
And despite all of this, or maybe because of all of this, above she writes her very LAST post before she dies. I've read it a dozen times and I fall short of finding any place where she even comes close to saying that she does not accept a higher power. In fact, if you took the time to read her post at all, you'd know that she knows her after-life will be as a guardian angel. She references herself through others' eyes as an "old soul."
Surely simply because she didn't use your magic search terms: Jesus, I am a sinner, I believe, God, Heaven or similar, you do not condemn her to an eternity of burning in hell. Or do you?
I encourage you to go back please and read Megan's last post--at least twice. Read it from the perspective of a gorgeous young woman with amazingly deep and beautiful eyes who has battled Ewing's Sarcoma courgeously for years. Read it from the perspective of a daughter, a sister, a friend, who knows that her afterlife is only the beginning. Read it from the perspective of a child who knows her leaving will break the hearts of her family and friends and care-givers.
Read it without searching for your magical, mystical words of Jesus-acceptance. Read it without concluding that without those terms she will rot in hell. Read it remembering Megan is gone from the earth, but never from our hearts. Read it as if you were her mom, or her dad, or her sister or brother, or friend. Read your comments that way, too.
And above all, read it as Jesus would, without judgment, but instead filled with love and compassion, and hope, and joy that one of the children he so dearly loves has understood his message of love.
If you respond, feel free to hate on me. But please, please especially now, do not hate on Megan. She is gone and I am sure, even if you are not, that every book that falls off my shelf and every purple flower I see was put there by an angel named, Megan.
And please, next time, before you throw your twisted perspective of Jesus' love at a dying child, think twice.
I love you, Megan. I miss you. And I can't wait until Spring.
~Rory
Thank you so much Rory! Thank you for loving Megan. I miss her incredibly every single day...
DeleteMegan's Mom