I believe that acceptance has multiple stages - just like grief. You start to accept the tragedy you are put through at different levels. For example, I can accept my disease as a whole and that I will most likely die from it, but I do not accept NOT being able to do things that others my age can do. I will be told by NO doctor that I shouldn't run, or that I should use a cane to help me walk. Well... I may be told those things , but I'll be damned if I listen to it. I firmly believe that me not listening is what keeps me alive and going - for if I accept that cane - that is what I will receive and begin my decline. I will not accept that.
I guess I've learned that acceptance can be both good and bad, and both healing and deteriorating. To accept something you can NOT change, can be quite freeing, but to accept defeat in a situation where options are present and possible is simply fear. I refuse to be afraid. I do not accept the ideals of what a cancer patient should be or look like - I never did - from day one. There are many things that I have not accepted over the years and as a result, have defied so many odds. After reconstructive surgery to my arm, there were going to be permanent mobility limitations- such as not being able to reach over my head, do push -ups, or throw a good left hook - and I'm proud to say that because I didn't listen to, or dwell on the odds of others - I can do all of the above and in addition practice Brazilian Jujitsu. Yeah... I'm bad ass:) Here's a true story to further my point... About 1 month after my reconstructive skull surgery and back on both chemo and radiation, I beat a 250lbs man, fully trained in Brazilian Jujitsu, in a fight. There are no words to describe how I felt other than BAD ASS!
So although, acceptance is a necessity for resolution in oneself during times of grief - there is a fine line to be drawn. One thing my mom said, that I will never forget, even though it was in reference to guys at the time was " What you accept is what you will get." So simple, but so true and applies to all areas of life. Sometimes there is more than just acceptance, sometimes you can say to hell with that step- I make my own way. That ultimately, is the reason I am still alive and people never believe me when I say that I have cancer. It is also the reason I get dirty looks when I park in handicap- even though I have a valid sticker...but I just smile because it means I have defied yet another person's expectations:)
Hi Megan,
ReplyDeleteWe met on the airplane yesterday. Reading your blog, it is amazing to see some of the similar thoughts I have experienced over the years, not only with losing Tom, but as a nurse. Thank you for the priviledge to read your blog. One of the things that impress me the most about your blog is your determination not to allow yourself to look or act like a cancer patient. Many years ago, I had an elderly patient with cancer. She did not speak or eat for many days. Showing many of the signs that her time was coming to an end, one morning I came into her room. Now, this is a woman who hadn't been able to speak or even acknowledge our presence for days...She looked me in the eye and said she had to get up and go to church. Needless to say, I almost passed out myself! She wanted to shower, dress and have an ambulance come to pick her up because she had something to say to her church members and family. I never heard what she said, but the ambulance drivers were in tears when they returned. I asked her a few days later if she could share with me how it could happen that she essentially had seemed to have passed on, except for her breathing. She said she could hear, but was too ill to respond. She knew she had to do something to straighten out her family. She just was determined she was not going to die until she got her family to cooperate and learn love and compassion. She lived for 6 more months, alert and active, then passed quietly in her sleep. I am not sure why I am telling you this, except it was one of the most wonderful experiences in my nursing career. I think maybe the reason I am telling you this is that you have defied all the odds, your determination has kept you looking so incredibly beautiful and your attitude means everything...Please keep in touch. I feel that our meeting was meant to be.
Hugs,
Ruth Ann