I do not know what is right and what is wrong sometimes. I feel such anger. ..anger that I have to repeat myself time, after time, about my cancer. Every time I update someone about a tumor- they ask the same questions: What are they going to do? Whats going on? Whats happening? THE SAME THING THAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING FOR YEARS!!! It is a progressive disease... I feel anger that the most likely way I'm going to die is slowly suffocating to death. The doctors found at least three different areas of disease in my lungs. They always said that once Ewing's moves to the lungs its a whole new ball game. It moves quicker, and there is NOTHING to be done- so you wait...wait to suffocate...wait to die. I feel anger when those who are the closest to me fail to support me because of their "busy" lives...please, you don't know what busy is... But I always said that no matter what, I would not be that typical " laying on my death bed, sickly cancer patient" and I know that some how , some way- I will make that happen.
It is so overwhelming going back and fourth between what is "supposed" to happen with this disease based on what the doctors say and what I know I'm capable of, and all of the things I've managed to pull off thus far. I know I will be able to walk until the day I die..or at least couple days before I die...I'll leave room for the unknown. Having to talk to hospice is definitely a hard hit. I'm supposed to develop a relationship with them so I'm comfortable with them helping me die. Sure, thank you so much for helping me die...
I look at this from my brother and sisters perspective- how weird will it be to have strangers waking in and out of the house all the time. What will they think? Will they avoid being at home more? All the anxiety I feel coming along with all of this makes me feel like I can't breathe...or is that the cancer? Do you see what I mean? How do I find the balance with staying strong to live every second to the fullest and still take the time I need to grieve and be angry because I have a right to be? I don't want to waste what little time I have left with anger and sadness, but sometimes it is close to impossible to turn those emotions off. I feel like I have so much to say and do, but where do I start? How do you fit everything you want to do in life into...say....Two months? The answer is: you can't.
I guess I'm not so afraid of dying anymore, but rather how I'm going to die. How far will I fade or lose function? How bad will the pain be, both physically and emotionally? How bad will the torture be before I finally rest in peace... I still want to live and want to fight, but when it gets to the point where life no longer entails living, I want to be done and see what awaits on the other side. I know it may sound odd, but I have a feeling I'm going to be quite busy in the after life. I will have so many people to guide and watch over. Everyone tells me I'm such an old soul, I hope that is true, and that I learned my lesson in this life. Hopefully with an older soul, I'll be more familiar and some what more talented with communicating to my loved ones left behind- that is extremely important to me. I need to be able let those I love know I'm always there. I want them to always feel my presence, but in case they are blocked in some way, I came up with a couple major signs. One sign will be books randomly falling off the shelf, even though no one has touched them- oh and if they happen to fall open to a certain page- you might just want to read it;) or keys falling off the table. But my major sign will be purple flowers- especially orchids popping up in your yard or even just randomly coming across them in a way that you are compelled to notice. My favorite color is purple, it is supposed to be a very healing color for cancer...Maybe it invokes more positive thought, but I always feel good around the color purple. I always take significant displays of purple around me as a positive sign that I'm headed in the right direction and I have my own "guardians" watching over me.
I have been seeing a lot of purple and purple flowers lately, so although I can be angry and terrified sometimes deep down I know everything is going to be ok no matter what happens. All I ask for, is to keep seeing purple over the next couple months to keep being reassured that I'm not alone...
