First of all, I have my own situation to look at: Constant tragedy and tumors coming quicker they can be treated. But then I also look at some others' lives as well. One of my mom's friends had breast cancer. She ended up having a double mastectomy because she happened to carry the gene that was more resistant to treatment, and has higher risk factors. Luckily, she went in to remission...but the universe was not done with her either. This woman has had serious back problems and had to have surgery- which worked for awhile...But apparently she needs another surgery to help fuse her discs. Oh, but that is not even the worst of it.... As if things were not devastating enough, she found out her brother - who she was very close to, and supported her throughout her journey with cancer- had drowned and lost his life....while he was on vacation. What the fu$#k is wrong with this world!!!!!? I can not imagine losing that kind of support and friendship....No, screw that- I can not imagine that period. The shock is undeniable. From their parents point of view- they spent so much time fearing for their daughter's life and BAM their son is the one who loses his life. My mind can not wrap around this situation. Fate could not have chose this...the universe or god could not be so cruel.
I think about some of the things that happen in third world countries, and about the devastating tsunami that hit Japan, I also think of all the meaningless wars that start, unfortunately because the very leaders of some of these countries self- sabotage. How do these "leaders" come to power? How could "God" let these things happen on such a profound level?
This is why I am continually left with more questions than answers. Is God real? If he is, why does so much evil run rampant? Sometimes I CAN have such moments of peace, faith, and assurance. But it is always closely followed with moments of chaos, devastation , and loss of faith. Is it possible to have more than just a moment of faith and peace? How could someone attain those feelings for an actual period of time?
Another thing that baffles me is-why people like my mom's friend, myself,and my mom are forced to deal with constant tragedy- yet there are some who will never encounter more tragedy than simply not getting their favorite car or having a horrible time on vacation because they didn't use sunblock. How can there possibly be such a vast difference between people and what they have to go through.Now I'm not saying that everyone doesn't have a story to tell- but every now and again some stories can balloon out of control to the point that you feel forgotten by anyone that could possibly be of a higher power. Meaning, in the most simple terms- I feel neglected by the universe, God, and fate. And really, all of those things are one in the same.
I use to wonder if I was a horrible person in a past life, and my karma is coming to get me now. Only because I want so badly for there to be some explanation for the pain that has been bestowed upon me and my family. But my thoughts go far beyond myself. What about all the children who die from violence, cancer, and aids- Who decides that? The answer has to be no one. There is no power or entity that could ever decide such things. I understand there is a lot to learn in life, and life IS a journey, but some things are just unthinkable.When some one is forever surrounded by tragedy- they tend to get numb to it and oddly enough , regress back to where its hard to appreciate life again---they no longer follow the journey.
To better illustrate my point, I'd like to tell you another one of my experiences. When I was in the hospital for my stem cell transplant, my mom and I met a brand- new mommy. When I say brand-new mom, I mean she has a new born baby there in the hospital . This mother found out her baby had leukemia right away....the baby never even got the chance to leave the hospital and be home before he died. I'm sorry if I am being too heavy, but you can hopefully understand that with some of the things I've witnessed, it does make me question the very nature of life. What did that baby ever get to learn? Was the baby just meant to be someone else's lesson- If so - how crappy is that? You get sent to earth just to teach someone a quick lesson and then you die!
Some people say we choose our lives before we even get here...yeah, right! I refuse to believe that one. I just do not think that all the bad, horrible things that happen to people- from rape, to torture, to cancer, to murder- is something that all these people chose. I guess, ultimately, I wonder how much control we have over our lives. Is it all a sick intricate design of fate or are we just living with absolutely no help out there from the "above?" Is there even an "above?"
In all honesty, I needed to vent these things out because I'm so sick of bad things happening to not only me, but everyone around me. It is so much easier to keep positive, happy, and have some kind of faith in something, when you see good things happen around you...even if it is not to you. In the big picture, I do believe in people- well...some people- and also those brief moments when I'm at peace, I believe in a higher power. My peace and faith would be renewed, if even just the people around me could catch a break. At least, then I could witness happiness even if it wasn't for myself. Now, I'm not saying I don't want and deserve happiness as well, but happiness can be contagious. So being around it more would be very inspiring in itself. So I guess it is up to someone in my circle or myself to start the happy ,healthy, healing train. Now which one of us is up to it?.... Anyone?.....
